How have you been? I hope you’d respond with good. I’m not about to lie to you and say that I’ve been fine since you left. It seems that when people come into my life I expect them to do the same thing you did, make me love them and leave. But I’ve learned so much in the past year and a half that you’ve been gone that I think I’m able to thank you for fucking me up so bad. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. I’m just not afraid to say these things anymore. I was afraid of your feelings when I should’ve been worrying about my own. So I think I’m ready to really tell you what happened. Just in case you try to convince yourself that this letter wasn’t supposed to be written to you, to your address, to ring in your ears and to make you lose sleep the way I lost sleep..
Do you remember how we started? Because I do. I had never listened to In Flames a day in my life and when you came along I began to worship them, and to this day I still do. You ruined other artists for me. I can’t listen to Blue October anymore. You made me feel like I was being thrown off of our eighteenth floor balcony and I hope you remember me telling you that. I hope you know I never cried once over you. I hope you know that I never once cut myself because of how you made me feel, I cut because I was afraid of leaving that feeling. I was afraid to be loved and cared for, and I still am! You did that. You were the last levy that broke, the dam came crumbling down and you ran away while I drowned in the overwhelming truth that you didn’t feel the same way anymore. But I was saved. Not by you, not by your words whispered in the dark. By the ones who had loved and cared for me all along, and the ones I found after you left that could take care of me and tolerate my random outbursts. My tears and my cries of constant excruciating anguish. I found people to be in my life that could handle me the way you needed someone to handle you, and I hope you found the same thing.
I will never actually forget you, Braiden. The sound of your name rings in my ears with this attractive chime. I’ll never want to be away from you and to clarify, I never once hated you. I don’t think I ever could. I’ve never hated someone genuinely a day in my life. I came to understand how you felt with the way I treated so many guys after you. I’ll remember how sweet you were. All your kind and encouraging words, the ones that made me blush. I remember when you told me my hands were as soft as satin, and when my eyes looked like melted frost or oceanic waves. I remember our conversations through poems we had written off the top of our heads. I remember, do you?
I feel like the farther I get from you, the closer I get to this happiness that I know I’ll never obtain. Even though I can say I’m over you, and that I don’t feel like I love you or that I need you in my life anymore. I still can’t help but feel empty when I think about how you left me, how you told me that we didn’t feel right and how you then moved on to this girl who was way above my head. She was gorgeous, she was creative, she was wise, she was all that I was and more and better. And that killed me. I hated myself for a long time and I wondered why I wasn’t good enough. Hell, I still do. I can’t look at myself in the mirror without pointing out each flaw and thinking about how you wouldn’t approve of how I look. I can’t stop thinking about your touch, your kiss, your presence and the way you held me. The feeling I got when you looked into my eyes, I felt secure, I felt safe. That was taken away shortly after. I should’ve expected it to end as soon as it started. And yes, I know I did a lot of things wrong, I know I should’ve been better and that I shouldn’t have been so clingy, and annoying, and emotional, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being me, someone who needed so much support at the time. But I’ve changed. So much so that I am fine with you being away from my life.
I’m glad you’re still around. In the likes on Tumblr and the Instagram photos. I don’t feel anything towards them. But I’m happy you’re still there. It’s nice to see that you’re living, and that you seem happy with where you are, and if you’re not then you should know that I’m not either. But we live on, like all humans do. And that is okay.
To clarify once more, I don’t hate you. Not that you would care if I did. I’ve only ever been hurt, and that manifested itself in many different ways. I can’t talk to boys without feeling insecure, I can’t look people in the eye, I don’t tell people I love them anymore, and I don’t believe anyone will ever love me. In fact, I feel as if I’m hated on a regular basis regardless of my relationship with the person. I am simply broken. But I will repair myself as I always have. Thank you, for being apart of my life I mean. For respecting me and being there and being a friend when we were friends. I couldn’t have asked you to be anything other than yourself and I appreciate your honesty and your kindness.
I wish you the best in everything you do.